


You're Not Gonna Reach My Burger Phone

by Bbb0987



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Family Dynamics, Gen, I LOVINGLY bully Rudy a little but nothing outside of the context of the show, Just kids beings kids, Oneshot, Shenanigans only, no relationships in this fic, oh also mentions of blood in reference to the movie Carrie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29686638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bbb0987/pseuds/Bbb0987
Summary: Did anybody else think it was weird that Logan had the Belcher’s home phone number? And that Louise wasn’t surprised to hear him? Gene has called down to the restaurant, so it has to be two different numbers, right? (Points frantically at my red string bulletin board to justify why this fic is canon compliant)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	You're Not Gonna Reach My Burger Phone

Louise sat transfixed to the screen as cascades of pig’s blood fell on the movie’s titular character.

“Oof. How are we going to handle this one, Carrie?” 

The last plate clacking onto the drying rack signaled that Linda had finished in the kitchen. 

Louise lunged for the remote. Changing the channel in a blur, she threw the evidence to the other side of the couch just as her mother rounded the corner.

“Alright, Miss Missy. It’s getting pretty late, and you know what that means,” Linda shook her shoulders in dance. “BeeeEEDD tiiiiiiime~!!” 

“I’ll trade you a duet if you let me stay up a little bit longer. Not right now because, urgh, my throat’s feeling a little dry, but soon. Ish.”

“Nuh uh, you say that but then never let me cash in. It’s like betting against the house with you. Up up!”

Even as she stood from the living room floor, Louise bargained for any chance to finish her movie.

“But, Mom, I am SO invested in- uh,” she looked at the tv, which was currently set on an infomercial. “Electronic floss picks?”

Linda, hand on hip, let out a sigh that suspiciously sounded like “riiiight” while she picked up the remote.

“Me and your Aunt Gayle used to pull the same trick on Grandma. Too bad for you, I know how to use the previous button.”

Suddenly replacing the monotone pitch of a late night salesman, bloodcurdling screams filled the apartment as Carrie took her fiery revenge onscreen. 

“OHmygod!” Linda button mashed until the blip of the tv shutting off sounded. She took a breather before fixing Louise with a glare. “You. Bed. Now!”

“Aww but I didn’t-” The burger phone cut off Louise’s half hearted attempts at a defense.

“Who the hell is calling this late?” Linda wondered aloud.

“Let’s find out!” Louise leapt for the phone, desperate to distract from the age inappropriate movie. She held it to her ear and repeated her mother verbatim. 

“Who the HELL is calling this late??”

Silence, until:

“W- ... Y-...” a disappointed sigh, then the dial tone.

“Well, who was it?” Linda asked as Louise put the phone back down.

“I don’t know. Some pervert I guess. Just breathed into the phone and hung up.”

“Ew gross,” Linda said, shivering. “Go wash your ears out.”

“Right,” Louise followed up, already walking to her room. “Wouldn’t want to catch any celluarly transmitted diseases.”

\---

“Add a scribble here, get this one wrong on purpose there, aaaand done. Thanks for helping with the homework, Rudy.”

Louise looked at the scattered papers on the coffee table and gave a nod. She readjusted the phone, originally snug between her ear and shoulder, to a more comfortable position. 

Wincing as Rudy wheezed directly into the receiver, she reminded herself he was probably winded after the explanation on long division.

“No problem,” Rudy said. “At least you’re nice about it. Adam Richardson just takes my worksheet and puts his name on it. I had to start making photocopies.”

“Yeah about that,” Louise readied her pitch. “Just a suggestion, what are your thoughts on worms? Stay with me, we get two buckets of-“

Beep!

“Uhh,” Louise looked around. “Did your pacemaker just beep?”

“Um, nooo? I have a normal heart. At least I think so. My doctor says-“

Beep!

“There it is again!” Louise yelled for her sister. “Tina! Do you hear that beeping?”

Tina, who sat quietly on the couch, tore herself away from her sudoku. Most of the squares looked more like scribble art than numbers. 

“Someone’s probably calling on the other line.”

“Phones from the 60s can do that?!”

“It’s not exactly...” Tina mumbled then leaned over to Louise, cutting herself off with a louder tone. “Here, look. If you press this button, it will switch-“

“This button?”

“Yeah, but you’ll put Rudy on-“

Click! 

“Oh, okay you did it anyway.” 

“Hello!” Louise said, waving her sister off. “You’re calling from another dimension where we actually have working technology.”

No noise from the other side of the line came through.

“Hello?”

Still nothing. 

Louise readied a compliment to Tina for pranking her, even in such a tame way, when a shuffling on the other end interrupted her. She pressed the phone hard to her ear, then-

The sound of a fart echoed out of the plastic buns. 

“Oh, sick!” 

Slamming the phone down, Louise huffed and relayed the situation to her sister.

“Could have been Gene with the emergency phone?”

“No,” Louise shook her head. “I know the sound of my own brother’s farts.”

Louise, fist in hand, straightened to head out of the living room.

“Looks like this will take a bit of investigation. I’ll be in HQ if you need me, but try not to need me.”

“You know you also hung up on Rudy, right?” Tina said, still staring at the phone. 

“He’s a smart kid,” Louise called from the hallway. “He’ll figure it out.”

Somewhere, alone in his bedroom, Rudy sat with a phone still pressed to his ear.

“Is this a prank? ... Louise?”

\---

“I’m a lifeguard, and if I run in slow motion people drown slower.”

“Burn!”

Bob flipped the channel from Baywatch to some prank show as he and the youngest Belcher played a round of Burn Unit. 

In the middle of a zinger about how the middle-aged men could all be carbon copies of Jimmy Pesto, the phone rang. Bob reached to answer while Louise playfully nudged him.

“Dad, dad. Tell them to stick it, dad. Then tell me what ‘it’ is.” 

“Sure,” Bob replied then picked up the phone with a normal hello and listened for a second. With an mhmm, he passed the call to Louise.

“It’s for you. Sounds like that Logan kid.”

Louise, both shocked and disgusted, reached for the plastic burger before Bob pulled it back to him.

“Wait,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Should I... not? be letting you talk to boys on the phone? Especially since you don’t really like him. Seems like something maybe a responsible parent wouldn’t allow.”

“I’m nine,” Louise responded and took the phone from his loose grip. “Worry about that after puberty. Besides, this isn’t a real boy. He’s more like a wart on the back of an ugly toad.”

“Aww that hurts my feewings,” a mocking voice came from the speaker. Bringing the phone to her ear, Louise felt her own lip curl.

“Oh does it? You gonna cry about it like you did during Freaky Friday?” 

“Just because you misunderstood a beautiful story on perspective-“

“Is this going to take long,” Louise cut him off. “I’m kinda in the middle of something.” 

“Oh? What is it? More playing pretend about other dimensions?”

“Other dimen-” Louise paused for only a second to think back to the weird calls she picked up in the last week. “Wait, that was you?! You little shit!”

“Language,” Bob said, not looking away from the tv. 

“Yeeaah, it was me,” a self-satisfied drawl peppered Logan’s tone. “And this time-“

“Look here, Slow-gan. I don't know how you got this number. I don't know what you want. But I have a very particular set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.” 

“You’re gonna regret-“

“Oho, looks like that’s it for today, folks!” She ignored his protests. “Better luck next time, except not because you suck.”

Louise ended the call with a slam. And then two more slams to ensure her point had been made. Handing the phone to Bob, she settled back into the couch for more Burn Unit.

“Wait, Louise, have you seen Taken?” 

“What? Psh. No. The only thing I’ve taken is a uhhh guess at why Logan had our number?”

“Mmm,” Bob said, mildly disapprovingly then went along with the change in conversation. “He probably got it from one of the three-” throat clearing “-dozen applications I submitted for the community garden.” 

“Jeez, Dad. What didn’t you sell for a chance to grow some beans?”

“I still have... some of my dignity. I think.”


End file.
